JOKES and BITS PAGE 1                         
[More in page 2] [More in page 3] [More in page 4] [Fun Stuff]  

Sadly, Dave was born without ears, and though he proved to be successful in business his problem annoyed him greatly. One day he  needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three interviews.
The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why, yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears," came the reply.
Dave did not appreciate his candour and threw him out of the office.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Well," she said stammering, "you have no ears."
Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.
The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear contact lenses, don't you?"
Dave was shocked and realized this was an incredibly observant person.
"How in the world did you know that?", he asked. 
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied,
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 "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f**king ears!"

 
HER SIDE OF THE STORY

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might have
been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny.  I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me.
I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we had sex.
But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave but I just cried  myself to sleep. I dunno, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else???

HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
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England lost. Felt Tired. Got a shag though.
Green Banana

This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed.
At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes" answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks.
"I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before."
The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets.

Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.  The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.

Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner.
"Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch".
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. 
"I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it?"  he asked. 
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"Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor."

Andy Rooney's Thoughts on Life

The most unfair thing about life is  the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
And then you die. What's that? A bonus?
I think the life-cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...
> >
Then, you finish off as an orgasm.  I like it.
An Aussie, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down.
One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Aussie took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the Aussie had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear... .. . . . .
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> "Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
Voodoo Dick

There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long      business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation.
The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"Nothing,nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" 
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoodick.'" "So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo.
The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!" 
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick  rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash.
The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. 
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" 
The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in
her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman.
He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said 
"Yea, right... Voodoo dick, my ass!"
Bear Warning!

The U.S. Forest Service is issuing a BEAR WARNING in the national parks for this summer.  We're urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.
Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they
should be able to tell the difference between Black Bear dung and Grizzly Bear dung.
Black Bear dung is rather small and round.  Sometimes you can see
fruit seeds and/or squirrel fur in it.
Grizzly Bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!
                           We hope this has been helpful,

                                   U.S.  Forest Service
Funny quotes from famous people


'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships'

Sharon Stone
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'My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading'

Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
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'Hockey is a sport for white men.
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps'

Tiger Woods.
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'Things you'll never hear a woman say:
"My, what an attractive scrotum!"'

Patricia Arquette
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'Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master'

Rev. Jesse Jackson
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'My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch'

Jack Nicholson
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'Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but
he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is'

Barbara Bush
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Women complain about pre-menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself'

Roseanne
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'Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place'

Billy Crystal
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'According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
dressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course,
men are just grateful'

Robert De Niro
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'In the last couple of weeks I have seen  the ads for Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breasts?'

Hugh Grant
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'There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?'

Dustin Hoffman
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'When the sun comes up, I have morals again'

Elizabeth Taylor
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Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house'

Rod Stewart
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'See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time'

Robin Williams
For those like puns:

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.

3. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

4. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

5. A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

6. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

7. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

8. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

9. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. 
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:
Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

10. And finally, there was a man who sent ten different puns to friends, in the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Dead Coarse

A fellow spots a nice looking girl in a bar so he goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asks her name.
"Carmen," she replies.
"That's a nice name," he says warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"
"No, I named myself," she answers.
"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"
"Because I like cars, and I like men," she says looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"
"Beerfanny." he replies.
Adult One Liners

Q: What is a Yankee?
A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q: What is the new O.J. web site address?
A: slash.slash.backslash.escape

Q: What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
A: They're right! We do taste like chicken!

Q: What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A: Their balls are just for decoration.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: Why are YOU shaking? She's going to eat me!

Q: What is the difference between "ooooooh" and aaaaaaah"?
A: About three inches.

Q: What is the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?
A: You can't hear an enzyme.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One........ Men will screw anything.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip the flat ones.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The swallow.

Q: What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole
chicken.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Because no man could make those faces on purpose.

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
A: Its Braille for "suck here."

Q: Why do most women care more about their appearance than improving their minds?
A: Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her bellybutton.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a
good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman
says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin,
there's a better one. At  MacDougal's,you buy a drink, you buy another
drink, and  MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says,
"Yeah,  that's a nice bar, but where  I come from, there's a better one.
Over in Brooklyn, there's  this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda
drink."
Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.
Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great?  Where I come from,
there's this place called Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you
your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third
 drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that  actually happen to  you?"
"No," replies the Polish guy, "but it happened to my sister!"
Interesting Trivia 

* No piece of paper can be folded more than 7 times if folded in half repeatedly.
* 1 in every 4 Americans has appeared on television.
* Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.
* The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA."
* The three most valuable brand names on earth:
Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
* The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; "7" was selected because the original containers were 7 ounces. "UP" indicated the direction of the bubbles.
* Mosquito repellents don't repel. They hide you. The spray blocks the mosquito's sensors so they don't know you're there.
* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6 feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
* The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
* American car horns beep in the tone of F.
* You burn more calories sleeping than you do watchingtelevision.
* Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
* The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
* The king of hearts is the only king without a moustache.
* A Boeing 747s wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.
* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class.
* Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.
* Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
* The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.
* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
* Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.
* The first owner of the Marlboro company died of lung cancer.
* Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion, but was talked out of it by her doctor.
* Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
* All US Presidents have worn glasses. Some just didn't like being seen wearing them in public.
* Walt Disney was afraid of mice.
* The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly.
* Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.
* Pearls melt in vinegar.
* It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs
* Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
* Richard Milhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal".
The second?   William Jefferson Clinton.
Here are some signs and notices written in English that were discovered
throughout the world. You have to give the writers an "E" for Effort...or
not!!!!!

In a Tokyo hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The life is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: 
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: 
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order our summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: 
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs form Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. - Here speeching American
If you're over 50 (or fast approaching it) ... this makes you think (and
yes, it did originate from the USA!).

One evening a son was talking to his father about current events.   He asked what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The dad replied, "Well, let me think a minute...I was born before
television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses,
Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, laser beams or
ball-point pens.  Man had not invented pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes
dryers, electric blankets, air conditioners, and he hadn't walked on the
moon.
Your Mom and I got married - and then lived together.   Every family had a father and a mother, and every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect.   And they went hunting and fishing together.
Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, 'Sir' - and after I turned
25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.'   We were
before, computer-dating, dual careers, daycare centers, and group therapy.
Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.  Serving your country was a privilege; living here was a bigger privilege. We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.
We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.   We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radio.   And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.  If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk. The term "making out" referred to how you did on your school exam.  Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee wereunheard of.   You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?  Too bad,  because gas was 11 cents a gallon.  
In my day, 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something  your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was your grandmother's lullaby.

'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood,
Hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.
No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap ...... and I am only 51 years old.
Ever have one of those days?

Imagine the following scene, enacted by a teacher helping one of her
kindergarten children put his boots on.
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, 
"Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."  She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.  She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They're my brother's old boots. My Mom made me wear
them."   She didn't know if she should laugh or cry.  She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.  
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"  
He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
LOUD SEX:

 A wife went in to see a therapist, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every
time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."

QUIET SEX:

Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?
" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"

DECEPTIVE SEX:

A married man and his secretary were having a torrid affair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. Dressed quickly, the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn.
Bewildered, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. 
The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been.
The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an
affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late."
The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see
those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

CONFOUNDED SEX:

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery,since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be$3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man wanted a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife and explained their options. When the doctor came back into the room, he found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating  there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking.
"Look, there is a couple  who  has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order  with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one  hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.
The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking.  That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them.
As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couples table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to  eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She
just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns
sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy  them something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with  a napkin the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their  table and offered to buy some food.
After being politely refused again he  finally asked a question of the little old lady.
"Maam, why aren't you  eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting  for?" 
She answered, "The teeth".

LITTLE JOHNNY ON....

MATH CLASS
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' I said "6"
"But that's right!"
"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

ENGLISH
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate"
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

GRAMMAR
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed
to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an Eight, but if you
had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!"

BEAUTIFUL
One day, during lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!"
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, Beautiful,.....just fucking beautiful!
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi againprays..."God,
please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well." Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me??  I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.  I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself...
"Brandi, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."
In a hotel room, Jim Morrison is in one corner with the rest of his band; and in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.
Monica Lewinsky walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrison and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows nicely then does the
same for his guitarist, bassist, then his drummer and finally the keyboard player. When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.
At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through the wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps out and grabs her by the scruff of the neck.  "Oi!" he shouts .......

"You're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%.

Well here's how you do that. Here's how you can achieve 103%.
First of all, here's a little math that might prove helpful in the future.
How does one achieve 100% in LIFE?
Begin by noting the following.

   IF:
   A = 1
   B = 2
   C = 3
   D = 4
   E = 5
   F = 6
   G = 7
   H = 8
   I = 9
   J = 10
   K = 11
   L = 12
   M = 13
   N = 14
   O = 15
   P = 16
   Q = 17
   R = 18
   S = 19
   T = 20
   U = 21
   V = 22
   W = 23
   X = 24
   Y = 25
   Z = 26

Then:
H A R D W O R K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = Only 98%
Similarly,
K N O W L E D G E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = Only 96%
But interesting (and as you'd expect),
A T T I T U D E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% ...
This is how you achieve 100% in LIFE.
But EVEN MORE IMPORTANT TO NOTE (or REALIZE), is

B U L L S H I T = 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

So now you know what all those high-priced consultants, upper management, and motivational speakers really mean when they want to exceed 100%!
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
*************************************

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course

Canadians: No I say again, you divert YOUR course

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
George and Tony

George Bush and Tony Blair are sitting in a bar.  A guy walks in and asks
the barman, "Isn't that George Bush and  Tony Blair?"
The barman says "Yep, that's them."  So the guy walks over and says "Hello, what are you guys doing?"
Bush says, "We're planning the war against Afghanistan"
"Really? What's going to happen?" says the guy.
"Well," says bush, "We're going to kill 14 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
Surprised the guy exclaimed, "A bicycle repairman?!"
Then Bush turns to Tony and says, "See, I told you, no-one would worry
about the 14 million Afghans."
STUPID PEOPLE:

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, " I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says "Hey, you moving?"
"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"
"Nope-Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

Last time I had a flat tyre, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tyre go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the
house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing asign......until he asked 
"So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself!
I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and
said........."no I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?
Blondes

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. 
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" "No, fromskipping." 

So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" 
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde
said that they were moose tracks.
They were still arguing when the train  hit 'em.
 
A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang -- but instead of picking up thephone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear,"
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
"But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The jerk called back!"

A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" 
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
Her blonde roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first"

 
Darwin Awards 2001

It's that time again . . . . . They are finally out. You all know about the
Darwin Awards - It's an annual honour given to the person who did the
gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way.
Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine
which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it!

And the nominees are:
 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol. He mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the
fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown,
and was the cause of his Suffocation.
Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude
 when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details
before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing.
Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked.
When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions.
Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his
death.
Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the
cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one
of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself.
As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a
Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use
octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and ground,"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major
trauma."

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that
resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like
object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away.
Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually
untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

And the winner is. . .

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smouldering metal
embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.
The lab finally figured out what it was and what had happened. Itseems
that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off) - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields.
He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long
and straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO! 
The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and
continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds.
The driver, and soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced
G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tyres and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet
leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small
fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron nearly reahed Mach1,
attaining a ground speed of approximately 420 mph....
What a Wonderful Language

This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author
unknown. Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. 
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in
pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?
One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? 
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"
From Religious Education Papers

1. The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
2. A Christian should only have one spouse. This is called monotony.
3. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
4. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
5. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
6. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
7. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
9. Moses died before he ever reached Texas.
10. Then Joshua led the battle of Geritol.
11. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
12. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
13. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
14. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
15. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
Stranger Than Fiction

CHICKENING OUT:
In the province of Orense in north west Spain, a 39-year-old man was crushed to death by a rock while pleasuring himself with a chicken. Although no one is quite sure how it happened, it is thought that the vibrations caused by his love-> making possibly dislodged the boulder
The chicken also perished, and was still attached to the man when his body was found.

FROM THE HEART:

Upon investigating a fire in Knoxville, Tennessee, firemen found, in a
room plastered with Black metal posters, the nude body of a 16-year-old boy with a cow's heart attached to his genitals.
Initial suspicions of ritual murder were dismissed when, in a copy of the
underground magazine "Burzum Now", they discovered instructions for the construction of a sex toy made from a fresh cow's heart and an electrical circuit powered by batteries, which allegedly makes the heart beat.
Unfortunately, the boy had plugged his stimulator into the mains,
electrocuted himself and set the house on fire.

BLANKET COVERAGE:

When a 60-year-old man failed to turn up for work one day, his employer notified the police, who searched his flat. There, in a room he has previously forbidden anyone to enter, they found him dead, rolled up in a total of 14 blankets. At first they suspected murder, although further investigations showed that he had been masturbating in the middle of his human Swiss roll.
He had made a pile of several layers of blankets, then rolled himself up
in them, and by placing strips of tape on strategic parts of the blanket, he could roll over them and immobilise himself.
Although he appeared to have done it before, this time he was unable to free himself, and suffocated.
Further investigations also revealed that over the years he had bought
many blankets by mail order, and a total of 60 blankets were found in his flat.

CRUSHED NUTS:

When a 40-year-old man turned up at a hospital asking to see a doctor
specialising in "men's troubles", he was shown into a cubicle, where he
gingerly unwrapped three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze from around his scrotum, which had swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit.
On further inspection, it was discovered that his left testicle was
missing completely, and, embedded within the swollen, tender and weeping wound, were a number of dark objects which the patient confessed were one-inch staples from an industrial stapling gun.
It transpired that the man spent his lunchtimes alone in the workshop,
where he regularly enjoyed the sexual thrill of placing his penis on the moving canvas fan- belt of a piece of machinery. One day, the excitement had caused him to lose concentration, and the fan-belt had snatched his scrotum into the fly-wheel, throwing him several feet across the floor and tearing off his left nut.
Rather than go to hospital, he performed first aid on himself with the
stapling gun, then went back to work when his colleagues returned. It was two weeks before he got round to visiting hospital.

THE LOVE BUG:

An hour and a half after he had told his wife he was going shooting, a
40-year- old airline pilot was found chained and crushed against the side of his Volkswagen Beetle. The ignition was on, the steering wheel was tied as far as it would turn to the left, and the car had been travelling in circles. The man was naked apart from a series of straps, similar to a parachute harness, and secured to the side of the car by a heavy chain.
It appears that he had removed his clothes and chained himself to the back bumper of the car, which he had set on "autopilot". He jogged along behind it and when he wanted to stop the "game", he went towards the car, which ran over the chain. As the chain slowly wound around the axle, it reeled the man inexorably towards the car and, with no means of escape, he was eventually asphyxiated against the bumper.

FLOWER POWER:

A man turned up at a hospital wearing an overcoat, and with blood dripping
down his leg. When he removed the coat, the doctor saw he had a geranium inserted in his penis. The man had got the flower in without any difficulty, but when he tried to remove it, the hairs on the stem had dug in to the urethra and ripped it to shreds.

FUN ON THE FARM:

A 62-year-old farmer was found dead in his barn by a neighbour, crushed
beneath the hydraulic scoop of his tractor. He was wearing stockings and a pair of shoes with an eight-inch heel, and his ankles were tied to a four-foot length of pipe, which was itself chained to the scoop. By pulling on a pair of ropes, he could raise and lower the scoop and suspend himself upside down.
Beside the dead body was a broken length of four-by-two, which was meant to act as a safety feature when the scoop was lowered, by stopping it from hitting the ground.
Unfortunately, as the scoop came down, it had snapped the wood and
 continued downwards, trapping the man beneath it and crushing him.

SMOKING IS A HEALTH HAZARD:

A man in Alicante, Spain, turned up at the local hospital with a metal
cigar case jammed inside his rectum. "I always smoke a cigar in bed, last thing at night", he explained, "and I lost the case in my sheets. Imagine my surprise when I woke the next morning to find it had inexplicably gone up my bottom".

MAKE MINE A STIFF ONE:

A 34-year-old New Yorker injected a cocaine solution into his penis to
heighten his sexual pleasure. After enjoying intercourse with his girlfriend, however, he couldn't get rid of his erection, and after three days he went to the doctor in search of help.
Shortly afterwards, he developed blood clots in various parts of his body, gangrene set in, and he lost both legs, nine fingers and his penis.

PIPE CLEANER:

A number of men, generally in the 55 to 65 age group, have ended up in
hospital after attempting to make love to a vacuum cleaner, although their explanations are rarely so straightforward.
One 60-year-old man was changing the plug of the Hoover when it
mysteriously "switched itself on" and sucked him in.
A 65-year-old signalman bent down to pick up his tools and caught his
penis in a nearby vacuum, while another was merely bending over to turn the vacuum off when the accident happened.
Bizarrely, all were in a state of almost total undress when their accidents
happened.

POOLSIDE FUN:

While enjoying an early morning swim, Brazilian Claudiomiro Marques
decided to experiment with the sexual properties of swimming pool filters.
Unfortunately, the structure of the filter, combined with the degree of
suction, meant that his penis became jammed fast. Doctors were called, who eventually managed to extricate him from his terrible predicament, although not before concerned bystanders had first contributed to the rescue procedure by attempting to demolish the wall of the pool.
Innocence

Little Jenny asked her mother, "Where do babies come from?"
Her mother had a think about what she could say and said,
"Well your Daddy has some little fishes and when he puts them in Mummy's
tummy,
this starts to make a baby."
"Do you have to swallow them?" asked Jenny.
To which her mother replied,
"Only if I want expensive jewellery or a holiday in the Caribbean."
Don't Mess With Them

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."
The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!" The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."
So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!  For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.  The frog said,"That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine." So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world! The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story:
Women are clever bitches.  Don't mess with them.
The Koala & the Hooker

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms. After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts  on his clothes.
The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from  exhaustion.  "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs.
Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money. I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."
The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes.
The hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf and grabs a dictionary and
thumbs to "hooker."
She hands it to the koala bear and it reads: 
"HOOKER : person who has sex for money."
The koala bear then turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.
The hooker reads: "KOALA BEAR : eats bush and leaves
Essex Girls

Q. What's the difference between a Walrus and an Essex Girl? 
A. One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus.

Q. Whats the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl ? 
A. The Essex girl has a higher sperm count !

Q. What does an Essex girl say after having sex ? 
A. What team do you guys play for !

Q. What do an Essex girl and President Gorbachev have in common? A. They both get f**ked by eight men while on holiday.

Q. Whats the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl ? 
A. Gorby knows the names of the eight people that f**ked him !

Q. What do Essex girls use for protection during sex? 
A. Bus Shelters.

Q. How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex? 
A. She shuts the Cortina's door.

Q. How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle? 
A. Shine a torch into her ear...

Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day? 
A. Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. Why does an Essex girl wear knickers? 
A. To keep her ankles warm.

Q. Whats the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board? A. Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.

Q. What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl? A. A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.

Q. Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings? 
A. So the crabs can go bungy jumping..........

Q. How do you know when an Essex girl's has an orgasm? 
A. She drops her bag of chips.

Q. What does an Essex girl do with her cunt after sex? 
A. She takes him down the pub.

Q. What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd? 
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!

Q. Why are Essex girls only allowed 30 minute lunch breaks? 
A. It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.

Q. Whats the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters 
A. They both have saws in their box

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with an IQ of 150? 
A. Basildon

Q. What does and Essex girl say after her doctor tells her that she’s pregnant. 
A. Is it mine?

Q. Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months? 
A. Because the box said "From 2 to 5 years"

Q. How do you make an Essex girl laugh on a Saturday? 
A. Tell her a joke on a Wednesday

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge? 
A. A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.

Q. Why does an Essex girl drool? 
A. Because she is full.

Q. How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period? 
A. She's only wearing one sock.

Q. What does the label in an Essex girls knickers say ? 
A. NEXT !

Q. What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and Essex Girls? 
A. Both go down in Teneriffe.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick? 
A. Red means stop.

Q. Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger? 
A. You can park in the handicapped spots.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray? 
A. So they can catch all the things going over their heads.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings? 
A. So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.

Q. If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first? 
A. The Surrey girl; the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.

Q. What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl? 
A. There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.

Q. What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs? 
A. She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.

 

Q. Why do Essex girls write TGIF on their shoes? 
A. Toes Go In First.

Q. Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels? 
A. More head room.

Q. What do you call six Essex girls in a row? 
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. What do you call a Surrey girl between two Essex girls?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the mating call of an Essex girl? 
A. Gosh, I'm so drunk!

Q. What's the mating call of a Surrey girl? 
A. Are all the Essex girls gone?

Q. What is the difference between an Essex Girl and a Cream Egg. 
A. It costs 20p to lick out a cream egg !!!!

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a whole brain? A. A Golden Retriever!

Q. Why is an Essex girl like a turtle? 
A. They both get fucked when they're on their back.

Q. Why do Essex girls work seven days a week? A. So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q. Why do Essex girls wear shoulder pads? 
A. (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q. How do you kill an Essex girl? 
A. Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q. How do Essex girls pierce their ears? 
A. They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q. What do you say to an Essex girl that won't give in? 
A. "Have another beer."

Q. What's the first three things an Essex girl does in the morning? 
1. Says "Thanks guys... " 2. Introduces herself. 3. Goes home.

Q. How many Essex girls does it take to change a lightbulb? 
1. "What's a lightbulb?" 
2. One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. 
3. Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daddy!"

Q. What's an Essex girl's favorite wine? 
A. "Daaaady, I want to go to Ibiza!"

Q. What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head? 
A. All you can eat, under a quid.

Q. What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common? 
A. You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.

Q. How do you get an Essex girl to marry you? 
A. Tell her she's pregnant.

Q. Why did the Essex girl scale the glass wall? A. To see what was on the other side.

Q. How does an Essex girl like her eggs in the morning? 
A. Fertilized.

Q. Why did the deaf Essex girl sit on a newspaper? 
A. So she could lip read..

Q. How do you drown an Essex girl? 
A. Don't tell her to swallow.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl lesbian? A. A waste.

Q. Did you hear about the Essex girl lesbian? 
A. She kept having affairs with men!

Q. But why do Surrey girls take the pill ? A. Wishful Thinking.

Q. What did the Essex girl say when asked "ever been picked up by the fuzz?" 
A. "No, but I've been swung around by the tits."

Q. Why do Essex girl girls have trouble achieving orgasm? 
A. Who cares?

Q. How did the Essex girl try to kill the bird? 
A. She threw it off a cliff.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine? 
A. Not everybody has been in a limo.

Q. What do you say to an Essex girl with no arms or legs? 
A. "Nice tits!"

Q. Why aren't there many Essex girl gymnasts? 
A. When they do the splits they stick to the floor.

Q. How does an Essex girl interpret 6.9? 
A. 69 interrupted by a period.

Q. How do you brainwash an Essex girl? 
A. Giver her a douche and shake her upside-down.

Q. What do you call 15 Essex girls in a circle? A. A dope ring.

Q. Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn around & come home? 
A. It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.

Q. What do a Ford Escort door and an Essex girl have in common? 
A. The more you bang them, the looser they get.

Q. What's the irritating part around an Essex girl's vagina? 
A. The Essex girl!

Q. How do you describe an Essex girl surrounded by drooling idiots? A. Flattered.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist? 
A. You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Q. What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl? 
A. Bucket seats.

Q. What do Essex girls do for foreplay? 
A. Remove their underwear.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl wife and your job? 
A. Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Q. Why do Essex girls put their hair in ponytails? 
A. To cover up the valve stem.

Q. What did the Essex girl name her pet zebra? 
A. Spot.

Q. Why did the Essex girl drown in the pool? 
A. Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom.

Q. How do you get an Essex girl pregnant? 
A. Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q. What do you call a fly buzzing inside an Essex girl's head? 
A. A Space Invader.

Q. What is an Essex girl's favorite rock group? 
A. Air Supply

Q. Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel? 
A. Her boyfriend's from Essex too.

Q. Why do Essex girls have legs? 
A.  So they don't leave trails, like little snails.

Q. Why did God create Essex girls? 
A. Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.

Q. What does a Surrey girl and a tampon have in common? 
A. They're both stuck up c*nts!

Q. Why do Essex girls have one more brain cell than a cow? 
A. So when you pull their tits, they don't shit on the floor.

Q. What do you call an Essex girl in a tree with a brief case? 
A. Branch Manager

Q. How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your refrigerator? 
A. By the lipstick on your cucumbers.

Q. How do you know which computer an Essex girl was using? 
A. By the Tippex on the screen

Q. What did the Essex girl customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ? 
A. "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a broom closet? A. Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a phone booth? A. Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and Essex girls have in common? A. They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What does an Essex girl make for dinner? 
A. Reservations.

Q. What did the Essex girl say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? 
A. "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."

Q. What's the difference between an Essex girl and a rooster? 
A. In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while an Essex girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

Q. How does an Essex girl commit suicide? 
A. She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q. What did the Essex girl say to the physicist? 
A. "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"

Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after an Essex girl drives a car? 
A. Cause she blows the horn

Q. How do Essex girl braincells die ? 
A. Alone.

Q. Why do Essex girls drive cars with sunroofs? A. More leg room.

Q. Why do Essex girls have orgasms ? 
A. So they know when to stop having sex !

Q. What is the difference between an Essex girl and a 747? 
A. Not everyone has been in a 747

Q. What is the difference between butter and an Essex girl? 
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do Essex girls and spaghetti have in common? 
A. They both wriggle when you eat them.

Q. What did the Essex girl's mum say to her before her date. 
A. If you're not in bed by 12, come home.

Q. Why don't Essex girls breast feed their babies? 
A. Because it's too painful to boil the nipples.

Q. Why do Essex girls have see-through lunch box lids? 
A. So they know if it is morning or afternoon.

Q. Why wasn't the Virgin Mary an Essex girl ???? 
A. She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!

Q. Why are Essex girls like cornflakes ? 
A. Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

Q. Where do Essex girls go to meet their relatives? 
A. The vegetable garden.

Q. How can you tell who is an Essex girl's boyfriend? 
A. He's the one with the belt buckle that matches the impression in her forehead!

Q. Why did the Essex girl smile when she walked the marriage aisle? A. She realized she gave her last blowjob.

Q. How did the Essex girl break her leg raking leaves? 
A. She fell out of the tree

Q. Why do Essex girls tattoo their postcode under their belly button? A. So they can get the male into the right box.

Q. What do you call a basement full of Essex girls? 
A. A whine cellar.

Q. What is it called when an Essex girl blows in another blond's ear? A. Data transfer.

This Essex girl and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the Essex girl said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull your finger out, I'll sink?"

A Essex girl and a Surrey girl were discussing their boyfriends: Surrey girl: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row! Essex girl: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred. Surrey girl: My god! I had no idea he was that good. Essex girl: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you meant with one guy.

Two Essex girls observed in a car park trying to unlock the door of their Escort Cabriolet with a coat hanger. SXG1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! SXG2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

An Essex girl was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over her. The Essex girl says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've hit me right in the face!!!"

Essex girl and Sussex girl walking down the street: Sussex girl: "Look, a dead bird" Essex girl: (looks to sky) "Where?"

Two Essex girls out walking in the country come upon some tracks. A furious argument ensues with one of them saying these are moose tracks and the other insisting that they're deer tracks. They are still fighting when the train hits them .

Essex man and Essex girl are in the back of his Ford Cortina:- 
Essex man: Tracey, can I kiss you somewhere warm, wet and fishy? Tracey: No, it's far too late to drive to Canvey Island


What do you call a Essex girl with half a brain?
Gifted!

What do you call a Essex girl with 2 brain cells?
Pregnant

Why aren't Essex girls good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the Essex girl's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met

Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane?
She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much

Why is a Essex girl like a turtle?
They both get fucked up when they're on their back

What's a Essex girl's favourite nursery rhyme?
Hump-me Dump-me

What's the difference between a Essex girl and a computer?
You only have to punch information into a computer once

Why don't Essex girls eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head in the jar

Why don't Essex girls eat bananas?
They can't find the zipper
or
They cant find the pull tab

Why don't Essex girls use vibrators?
They chip their teeth

What is the mating call of the ugly Essex girl?
"I said: I'm drunk!"

Why do Essex girls drive BMWs?
Because they can spell it

How do you change a Essex girl's mind?
Blow in her ear
or
Buy her another drink

What do Essex girls do with their arseholes in the morning?
Pack their lunch and send them to work

What's the first thing a Essex girl does in the morning?
Walks home

Why is a Essex girl like a door knob?
Because everybody gets a turn

Why is an Essex girl like railway lines?
Because she's been laid all over the country

What important question does a Essex girl ask her man before having sex?
Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?

What do you do when an Essex girl throws a hand grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back

Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill?
Because it kept falling out

What happens when an Essex girl gets Alzheimer's disease?
Her IQ goes up!

What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche?
You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend

What is the difference between an Essex girl and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball

What do a bowling ball and an Essex girl have in common?
Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter

Why is a washing machine better than an Essex girl?
Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it won't follow you around for a week

What do Essex girls and cow-pats have in common?
They both get easier to pick-up with age

What does an Essex girl and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up

What do Essex girls and spaghetti have in common?
They both wriggle when you eat them

What do you call an Essex girl with a bag of sugar on her head?
Sweet Fuck All...

How do you drown an Essex girl?
Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool

How many Essex girls does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.

What do you get when you offer an Essex girl a penny for her thoughts?
Change

What do you get when you cross an Essex girl and a gorilla?
Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do

How do you amuse an Essex girl for 5 hours?
Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

Why do Essex girls have legs?
To get between the bedroom and the kitchen

What's the difference between an Essex girl having her period and a terrorist?
You can negotiate with a terrorist

What do you see when you look into a Essex girl's eyes?
The back of her head

Why do Essex girls drive VW's?
Because they can't spell PORSCHE!

How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Monday mornings?
Tell them a joke on Friday night!

What did the Essex girl do when she got her period?
Looked around for the bastard that must have knifed her

Why are Essex girls like cornflakes?
Because they're simple, easy and they taste good

How does an Essex girl hold her liquor?
By the ears

What do you call an Essex girl skeleton in the closet?
Last year's hide and seek champ

What's the difference between an Essex girl track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
One's a bunch a cunning runts

What's the difference between an Essex girl and the Suez Canal?
One's a busy ditch

What is the difference between an Essex girl and a toilet?
A toilet won't follow you around after you use it

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and an Essex girl?
The prostitute says, "Aren't you done yet?"
The nympho says, "Are you done already?"
The Essex girl says, "Beige...I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

What do you call a dumb Essex girl behind a steering wheel?
An air bag

Why did the Essex girl tattoo her postcode on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box

How can you tell when an Essex girls dating?
By the buckle print on her forehead

What is the Essex girl's chronic speech impediment?
She can't say "No"

What do you call an Essex girl in a university?
A visitor

Why did the Essex girl cross the road?
Forget the road, what was she doing out of the bedroom!?

What does an Essex girl say after multiple orgasms?
Well done team!

Why does a Essex girls bra say T.G.I.F?
Tits Go In First

Why do Essex girls have vaginas?
So guys will talk to them at parties

What does an Essex girl answer to the question "Are you sexually active?"
"No, I just lie there."

What do you call an Essex girl without an asshole?
Divorced

What's the difference between an Essex girl and rubbish?
Rubbish gets taken out at least once a week

What do you call a bunch of Essex girls with yeast infections?
A wine and cheese party!

What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain?
Gifted!

Did you hear about the Essex girl that went to library
and checked out a book called "How to Hug"?
Got home and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...

What do you call an Essex mother-in-law?
An air bag

How do you plant dope?
Bury an Essex girl

How do you get a one-armed Essex girl out of a tree?
Wave to her

How does an Essex girl get pregnant?
And I thought Essex girls were dumb!

What do you call an Essex girl with ESP and PMS?
A know-it-all bitch

What's the difference between a chorus line of Essex girls and a magician?
A magician has a cunning array of stunts

What does an Essex girl think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository

Why don't an Essex girls guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
Because the vacuum in her head keeps them in place

Why was the Essex girl wearing her sunglasses?
She was having sunny periods

How can you tell when an Essex girl is wearing pantyhose?
When she farts, her knees bag

How is an Essex girl like a frying pan?
You have to get them hot before you put in the meat

How do you confuse an Essex girl?
You don't. They're born that way

How did the Essex girl burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries

What's the difference between a pit bull and an Essex girl with PMS?
Lipstick

Why do Essex girls have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks

Why don't Essex girls make good pharmacists?
They can't get the bottle into the typewriter

What do Essex girls do after they comb their hair?
They pull up their panties

How do you tell when a Essex girl reaches orgasm?
She drops her nail-file!
or
She says, "Next"
or
The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
or
The batteries have run out

What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A divorcee

What does an Essex girl owl say?
What, what?

What is the definition of gross ignorance?
144 Essex girls

What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A deaf and dumb Essex girl nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub

Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine?
They both drip when they're fucked

What's a Essex girl's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door

Did you hear about the Essex girl who tried to blow up her husband's car?
She burned her lips on the tailpipe

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb Essex girl, and a smart Essex girl are walking down the streetwhen they spot a £10 note. 
Who picks it up?
The dumb Essex girl!
Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart Essex girl!

An Essex girl and a Scots girl were talking one day.
The Scots girl said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up.
The Essex girl asked inquisitively,
"How do you give shoulders?"

An Essex girl was walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
A passer-by asks "Where did you get that?"
The pig replies, "I won her in a raffle!"

An Essex girl goes into the chemists and to the deodorant display and says to the assistant "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
"Does he use the ball kind?" enquires the assistant.
"No," replies the Essex girl, "The kind for under his arms."

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with an Essex girl he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish his just spent energy.He pours himself a glass of milk but before drinking it, he realises his manhood is still pretty hot,
so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off.
Just then the Essex girl walked in and said, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

A Welsh girl goes into a porno shop.
She asks, "How much are the dildos?"
The reply is "£10 for the black one, £10 for the white one."
"I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman enters and asks "How much for the black dildo?"
"£10" comes the reply
"How much for the white one?"
"£10 for the white one."
"Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..."
She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later an Essex girl enters and asks,
"How much are your dildos?"
"£10 for the white, £10 for the black."
"Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
"Well, that's a very special dildo..." comes the answer "It'll cost you £45"
She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before...."
She pays him, and off she goes.
Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
To which the salesman responded,
"I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for £45!"

Green Up!
A builder was speaking with a woman about her decorating job.
In the first room she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window,
opened it, and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose colour.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him,
"Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply.
"But I have a crew of Essex girls laying turf across the road".

Confucius say; Essex girl who fly upside down have crack up.

Essex girl Medical Terminology

Anally - Occurring yearly

Artery - Study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door of cafeteria

Caesarean section - District of Rome

Cat scan - Searching for kitty

Cauterise - Made eye contact with her

Colic - Sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Congenital - Friendly

Diarrhoea - Journal of daily events

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker

Fibula - A small lie

Genital - Non-Jewish

Grippe - Suitcase

Hangnail - Coathook

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

Intense pain - Torture whilst camping

Labour pain - Got hurt at work

Medical staff - Doctor's cane

Morbid - Higher offer

Nitrate - Twice the day rate

Node - Was aware of

Outpatient - Person who had fainted

Pap smear - Fatherhood test

Pelvis - Cousin of Elvis

Post operative - Royal Mail worker

Protein - Favouring young people

Rectum - Damn near killed 'em

Recovery room - place to do upholstery

Rheumatic - Amorous

Secretion - Hiding anything

Seizure - Roman emperor

Serology - Study of knighthood

Tablet - Small pill

Terminal illness - Sickness at airport

Tibia - Country in North Africa

Tumour - an extra pair

Urine - Opposite of you're out

Varicose - Located nearby

Vein - Conceited

What does a Essex girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.

What is the difference between Essex girls and hookers?
Essex girls cost less per score

What is the difference between a Essex girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.

What's the difference between a Essex girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

What do you get when you cross a Essex girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...

Did you hear about the new Essex girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.

What's the difference between Essex girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week

What do you call 100 Essex girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs
Who said Footballers are Thick

 'My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.'
 David Beckham

'I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the
league.'
 Mark Viduka

'Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level.
Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level.
But he's the best manager I've ever had.'
David Beckham

If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed
at the end of the day.'
Neville Southall

'I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of
which were disputable.'
Paul Gascoigne

'I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.'
Mark Draper

'You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win
the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.'
Peter Shilton

'I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.'
Stan Collymore

'I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed
on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up.
Then I remembered he was out there playing.'
Ade Akinbiyi

'Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.'
Ian Wright

'I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.'
 Ugo Ehiogu

'Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I
live in Middlesborough.'
Jonathan Woodgate

'I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.'
Stuart Pearce

I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.'
Lee Hendrie

'I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.'
Ian Rush

'Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals
 out there today.'
Steve Lomas

'I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right
sock.'
Barry Venison

'I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what
religion yet.'
David Beckham

'The Brazilians were South America, and the Ukrainians will be more
European.'
Phil Neville

'All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.'
Mitchell Thomas

'One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.'
Alan Shearer

'I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.'
Johnny Giles

'Sometimes in football you have to score goals.'
Thierry Henry.

'I was surprised, but I always say nothing surprises me in football.'
Les Ferdinand

'It was like the ref had a brand new yellow card and wanted to see if it
worked.'
Richard Rufus

'There's no in between - you're either good or bad. We were in between.'
Gary Lineker

'Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win.'
Vinny Jones

'If you don't concede any goals you'll win more games than you lose.'
Wayne Bridge

'Do you remember when we played in Spain in the Anglo-Italian?'
Shaun Newton
Barbie and Ken

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap.
Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and a G.I. Joe."
Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,  "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."
"No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I.  Joe,  she fakes it with Ken."
AFFAIRS
First Affair

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of tryingthe Wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later, delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."


Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever Seen!
"I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's privates.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue,' "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy.
The barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife,"
The guy says, "what's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

Fifth Affair

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk,"
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your Sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you.
And so Posh does not feel unloved .....
Victoria Beckham and her driver were cruising along a country road one
evening when a cow ran in front of the car.
The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed. Posh  told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.
About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.
"What happened?" asked Posh .
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave
me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."
"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Posh.
The driver replied: "I'm Victoria Bekham's driver, and I just killed the cow."
BECKHAM
Alex Ferguson calls David Beckham into his office.
'David,' he says,  'I'm worried about your performance the last few  games. You've been fvcking  hopeless, completely off form.'
Sorry, boss' says David. 'I've not been  myself lately. I've got a few
problems at home.'
Oh dear,' says  Ferguson, pretending to care. 'What's up? Posh and
Brooklyn okay?
'Oh  they're fine', says David. 'It's just that something's really bugging
me and  I'm losing sleep and everything. I can't concentrate on my football and it's  really messing me head up.'
'Whatever's the matter, son?' says  Fergie.
'Well, boss', says David, 'it's pretty serious. Victoria bought this
jigsaw puzzle the other day and.....'
'A fvcking jigsaw?!!!'  shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing shite because of a
fvcking  jigsaw?!!!'
'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing my  head in! 'says
David. 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a tiger and it  looks really
easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and  everything but I
just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and,  and...'
'David, David, David,' says Ferguson. 'You better get a grip son, and
quick!!!'
'OK, boss, OK,' says David, 'but.........it's this picture of a tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got  all the bits and  everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and........  and........and it's a tiger and it's looks easy.......and can't make the bits fit and, it's really hard, and er, sorry boss and,  er,  it's a tiger, er,... on the box...er.......sorry boss.'
'OK, OK,  OK,' says Sir Alex, 'Bring the jigsaw in and let's have a look at
it. It  can't be that difficult'
'Oh thanks, boss,' says David.
So the  day, next David brings the jigsaw into Ferguson's office.
'Here it is,  boss.' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box.
'Look, boss, it's  this tiger, right, and it's a really good picture and
everything but I just  can't do it and it's really hard and it's doing my
head in and it's this  picture here of a tiger,'
and Beckham empties all the pieces from the box all  over Ferguson's
desk.
 Ferguson looks at what's on his desk, looks up with his head in his
hands and says to  Beckham...................



'David, put the fvcking  Frosties back in the box.'
The Three Bears
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking
up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in is small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?"he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into
his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he  roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells:
"For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this?
It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up.
It was Mummy Bear who made all the beds and washed all the clothes.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper.
It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and
filled the cat's water & food dish.
And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence....
listen good because I'm only going to say this once...
I HAVEN'T MADE THE FVCKING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
BUSH and the QUEEN
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen.
He asks her what her leadership philosophy is.
She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.
He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds ,"It's me, ma'am."
"Correct.  Thank you and good-bye,  sir," says the Queen.
She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"
Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the  Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test.
He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls a meeting
of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer.
Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.
"Now lookee here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has
a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course,  you dumb cracker."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims,
"I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb shit, It's Tony Blair!"
A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another
and started bantering back and forth about male /female issues. They
talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex   came  up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you
think  we're so obsessed with getting laid?"
He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so  far as  to  ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened  quietly  until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the  strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.
"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about  this. When  your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it
around,  then pull it out, which feels better - your ear or  your finger? 
In the Birmingham Sunday Mercury (7th Jan 2001):

"WORKER DEAD AT DESK FOR 5 DAYS

Bosses of a publishing firm are trying to work out why no one noticed that one of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if he was feeling okay.  George Turklebaum, 51, who had been employed as a proof-reader at a NewYork firm for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with 23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
His boss, Elliot Wachiaski said: "George was always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night, so no one found it unusual that he was in the same position all that time and didn't say anything. "He was always absorbed in his work and kept much to
himself." A post mortem examination revealed that he had been dead for five days after suffering a coronary.
Ironically, George was proofreading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died."

You may want to give your co-workers a nudge occasionally.
Moral of the story: Don't work too hard. No bugger notices anyway.
For the IT Buffs!!

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on
display.  While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."  The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.  He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer saying, "That'll be £5000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey.  Most of them are only a few hundred pounds.  Why did it cost so much?"  The shopkeeper replied, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."  The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage.  "That one's even more expensive! £10000! What does it do?"  "Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java.  All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own.  The price tag around its neck read £50000.  He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"  The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's a project manager."
Irish News Flash....

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery this afternoon in central Ireland.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night......
THE NEXT TIME YOU THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY:
(Only in America)

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask. A post-mortem revealed that the person died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification.  Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clad diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the person went for a diving trip off the coast
some 20 miles from the forest. 
The fire fighters, seeking to control the fireas quickly as possible, called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and then flown to the forest fire
and emptied. You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Apparently he extinguished exactly 5'10" of the fire. Some days it just doesn't pay to get
out of bed.

STILL THINK YOU ARE HAVING A BAD DAY?

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle when it accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handle bars, was dragged through the glass patio doors and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband lying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle lying next to him, and the shattered patio door. The wife ran to the phone and summoned the ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of stairs to the street to escort the paramedics to her husband.
After the ambulance arrived and transported the man to the hospital, the wife uprighted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Since gas was spilled on the floor, the wife got some paper towels,
blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The man was treated and released to come home. Upon arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went to the bathroom, sat down on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard the loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and
he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs, and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone to call the ambulance. The very same paramedic crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street.
The paramedics loaded the husband on to the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them slipped and tipped the stretcher, dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs and broke his arm.
TWO QUESTIONS

Just for fun......


 Subject: How smart are you?


I am going to ask you two questions.
And you  have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time you have to answer immediately. O.K.?
Let's find out just how clever you really  are  ........
.

.
Ready?
.

.

.
GO !!!!!
.

.

.
First Question:
You are participating  in a race.  You overtake the second.
What position do you  finish?

NOW! See  the answer  below..
.
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.
Answer:
If you answer that you arrived first, then you are  absolutely wrong!!!
Because you overtake the second and you take his place so you arrived  second!!!
IDIOT!!
.
.

.

.

.
To  answer the second question don't take as much time as you
took for the first question.

Second Question: If you  overtake the last then you finish at
what position in the race ???
.
.
.
.
.

.

.

.

.
Answer:  If you answer that you arrived second last then  you  are
wrong again.   Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST !!!!  The
question is wrong!
You're not very good at this   ARE YOU ???
From the South Wales Echo.....

Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope.
"It's is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth, with the country side
closed off and so many dead sheep our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention" said Glyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust. 
The UFWWL (Ugly Fat Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep farming in Wales for good.
"It's wonderful all the women in our village are getting some at the
moment", said a 25 year old fat Welsh minger.
ONE-POINT OFFICE DARES

1) Run one lap around the office at top speed.

2) Groan out loud in the bathroom cubicle (at least one other ‘non-player’ must be in the bathroom at the time).

3) Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.

4) Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say "Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye".

5) To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

6) When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily, "Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!".

7) Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".

8) Walk sideways to the photocopier.

9) While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS DARES

1) Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barrelled fingers.

2) Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask "Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it".

3) Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).

4) Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a ‘non-player’ within sight).

5) Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES

1) At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

2) Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

3) For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".

4) Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".

5) After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report’s on your desk, mon". Keep this up for one hour.

6) While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

7) In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!".

8) At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce loudly "As God is my witness, I’ll never go hungry again".

9) In a colleagues diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".

10) Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask "You wanna trade?".

11) Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it’s gone now".

12) Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can’t talk about it".

13) Posing as a maitre d’, call a colleague and tell him he’s won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.

14) Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very important conference call.

15) Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

16) Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.

 
HELL

One day in the future Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies.  He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. 
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.  "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves." 
Clinton thought that sounded pretty good so the devil opened the first room.  In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of
water.  He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed.  Over and over and over.  Such was his fate in hell.
"No," Bill said.  "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks.  All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. 
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,"  commented Bill.
The devil opened a third door.  In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Clinton took this in in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can
handle this."
The devil smiled and said "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a BABE or a CHICK 
She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER 
She is VOCALLY  APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY. 
She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She is not DUMB.
She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND.
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She is not an AIRHEAD.
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK TIPSY.
She gets CHEMICALLY  INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY.
She is  SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS.
She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU.
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT.
She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS.
She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT WHORE.
She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY  CORRECT

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY  CAUCASIAN.
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He  becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL- CRANIAL INVERSION.
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
Make Me feel Like A Woman!!

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passed through a severe
storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to
worse when one wing was struck by lightning. One woman in particular lost it. Screaming, she stood up in the front of the plane. 
"I'm too young to die!" she wailed.  Then she yelled, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has EVER made me really feel like a
woman!  Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who
can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there was silence. Everyone had forgotten their
own peril, and they all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stood up in the rear of the plane. "I can make
you feel like a woman," he said. He was gorgeous! Tall, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He started to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moved. The woman was breathing heavily in
anticipation as the man approached. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest as he reached her.  He extended the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispered:

"Iron this."
This is an optical illusion with numbers!  This riddle MUST be done in your head and NOT using pen and paper.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add another 30. Another 1000.
Now add 20. Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?


SCROLL DOWN ...










Did you get 5,000? (as I sadly did - but then maths was never my strong point!).  Seems most people do. The answer is actually 4,100. Don't believe it? Try using a calculator!
VANILLA PUDDING

This is just too funny not to share. From an article which appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999: 

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at
disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said,
"At least we'll have a bit to eat." 
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened. They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. Disappointed, the robbers made a
quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach. 
The newspaper headline read:
.
.
.
.
IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
Think on this Bush!!

To my great republican friend...enjoy!

What happens when a president gets elected in years ending with zero? (which of course happens only every 20 years)

1840: William Henry Harrison (Died in Office)
1860: Abraham Lincoln (Assassinated)
1880: James A. Garfield (Assassinated)
1900: William McKinley (Assassinated)
1920: Warren G. Harding (Died in Office)
1940: Franklin D. Roosevelt (Died in Office)
1960: John F. Kennedy (Assassinated)
1980: Ronald Reagan (Barely Survived Assassination Attempt and is now suffering from Alzheimer's)

Perhaps the Florida loser shouldn't protest too much.
Makes You Think

If we could shrink the earth's population to a village of precisely 100 people, with all the existing human ratios remaining the same, it would look something like the following:

There would be:
57 Asians
21 Europeans
14 from the Western Hemisphere, both north and south
 8 Africans

52 would be female
48 would be male

70 would be nonwhite
30 would be white

70 would be non-Christian
30 would be Christian

89 would be heterosexual
11 would be homosexual

6 people would possess 59% of the entire world's wealth and all 6 would be from the United States.

80 would live in substandard housing
70 would be unable to read
50 would suffer from malnutrition
1 would be near death; 1 would be near birth
1 (yes, only 1) would have a college education
1 would own a computer

The following is also something to ponder...

If you woke up this morning with more health than illness...you are more blessed than the million who will not survive this week.

If you have never experienced the danger of battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation ... you are ahead of 500 million people in the world.

If you can attend a church meeting without fear of harassment, arrest, torture, or death...you are more blessed than three billion people in the world.

If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep...you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank, in your wallet, and spare change in a dish someplace ... you are among the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still alive and still married ... you are very rare.

If you hold up your head with a smile on your face and are truly thankful...you are blessed because the majority can, but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them, or even touch them on the shoulder...you are blessed because you can offer healing touch.

If you can read this message, you just received a double blessing in that someone was thinking of you, and furthermore, you are more blessed than over two billion people in the world that cannot read at all.
History Lesson - Stranger than Fiction

Have a history teacher explain this ---- if they can!

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.

 Both were assassinated by Southerners.

 Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Kennedy.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln.'

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker. A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Monroe.....................Marilyn

Creepy!
How to deal with assholes!

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, when you just need to take it out on someone!!!
Don't take that bad day out an someone you know. take it out on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialled it.  A man answered nicely saying; "Hello?"
I politely said, "This Is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the asshole.

Then one day I had an idea. I dialled his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi, this is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller lD program?"
He went, "No" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said. "That's because you're an asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it.
Just dial 823-4863.

[Keep reading, it gets better.]

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I  backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro comes flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that. Buddy. I was here first"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there are sure a lot of assholes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number then I hunted for another place to park.

A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, 'You're an asshole!"
(it's really easy to call him now since I have his number and speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, Hello."
I said. "is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street, It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?
"My name Is Don Hanson."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home In the evenings"
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes."
"Don, you're an asshole" and I slammed the phone down.

After I'd hung up, I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialler.  For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be.
I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial asshole #1.
A man answered nicely saying. "Hello."
I yelled "You're an asshole", but I didn't hang up. The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said. "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers".
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole" and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2. He answered. "Hello"
I said, "Hello, asshole"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt"
"Well, here's your chance, I'm coming over right now, asshole" And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W.34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing, Glorious.
Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life.

The authenticity of this tale cannot be guaranteed
flaballo.jpg (48618 bytes)

Official Florida Presidential Ballots (US 2000 Bush v Gore - what a choice!!)

To the citizens of the United States of America. In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.   Your new prime minister (Thert. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.  Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.  A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.  

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.  Then look up "aluminium".  Check the pronunciation guide.  You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.  Look up "vocabulary".  Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.  Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English".  We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.  It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.  We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football.  What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football.  You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.  It is a difficult game.  Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).  We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.  The Russians have never been the bad guys.   "Merde" is French for "shit".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England.  It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned.  They are crap and it is for your own good.   When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK.  It's been driving us crazy.
These will make you think - you never really know people as much as you thought.

ETHICAL QUESTIONS:
Question 1:
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis ... would you recommend that she have an
abortion?

Read the next question before scrolling down to the answer of this one.

Question 2:
It is time to elect the world leader, and your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three leading candidates:

Candidate A
He associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.

Candidate B
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon,used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.

Candidate C
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, drinks an occasional beer and hasn't had any extramarital affairs.

Which of these candidates would be your choice?

Decide first, no peeking, then scroll down for the answer.
.

.

.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt
Candidate B is Winston Churchill
Candidate C is Adolph Hitler

... and by the way:
The answer to the abortion question - if you said yes,
you just killed Beethoven.
The woman in question was his mother.
Some of the best ever Tommy Cooper jokes.

Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

"Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

"He said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books."

"And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said 'Do you earn a living doing that?' He said 'Yes, this my livelihood.'

"So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for   it.'"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said I want to buy an ice-cream'. He said Hundreds & thousands? I said 'We'll start with one.'  He said 'Knickerbocker glory?' I said 'I do get a certain amount of  freedom in these trousers, yes.'

I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said (butchly) 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan. 'He said 'Camper?' I said (campily) 'Make your mind up.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

"Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'"

"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please? 'And a voice said 'You are.'"

"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

"Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people  in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin."

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and hesaid 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're a managing director. 'And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'
"Phrases you wish you could say at work."

1.   Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2.   I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3.   How about never? Is never good for you?
4.   I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5.   I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6.   I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7.   I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8.   I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9.   It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10.  I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11.  I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12.  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13.  I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a damn.
14.  I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15.  I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16.  Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17.  The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18.  Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19.  What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?
20.  I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
21.  You sound reasonable...  Time to up the medication.
22.  Who me?  I just wander from room to room
FIVE BEST SEX JOKES (according to American friend)

Number five

A man bumps into a Woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221."

Number four

A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Jewish men have the biggest diameter penises. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" "Tonto Greenburg, nice to meet you."

Number three

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Number two

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it,
but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.   One day a few weeks later, Bill came home.  His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"  "Oh, Bill, you
didn't."  "Yes, I did." "My God,Bill, what happened?"   "I got fired." "No,Bill.  I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"  "Oh...she got fired too."

Number one

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."  "I know," the old man said,"we were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."
"Well,"Granny snickered, "let's relive some old times."  Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.  "You know, honey, "the little old lady breathlessly replied, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."  "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.  "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
IRISH KIDDIES JOKE

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Irish Cameron jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our nextdoor neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious"
THE FIRST QUOTABLE QUOTE OF THE CENTURY!  (and it is true)

Monica Lewinsky (on CNN's Larry King Live, discussing her miraculous Jenny Craig weight-loss):

"I've learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me."

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